Dear Kenny

The questions haunt me still;
You've never left my mind.
What happened there on that terrible day?
I guess they think we're blind.
Struck down at such an early age,
A brilliant, loving man...
The work you did so foreign to us,
I just don't understand.
Our government covers still,
The secrets they possess.
Without knowing what happened there,
My heart will never rest.
I know we tried to get the truth--
The answers that we sought
But try as hard as we could
The venture was for naught.
I named my only child for you
And proud of him you'd be.
He carries your name as you did--
With truth and integrity.
I guess I'll have to accept the fact
The answers won't be told
And when we meet in heaven
You'll share the truths you hold.
              Iris Sauber, Copyright 2000

In 1967, my 21 year old brother died. To this day, we do not know what happened. What we do know is that he was a brilliant chemical engineer, working, as a civilian, for the United States Army at Edgewood Arsenal in Edgewood, Maryland. His work was top secret; he was testing chemical warfare for our government. He went to work one day, and never came home.. Because of his strong Religious beliefs an autopsy was not done.
Therefore, we will never really know the reason for his death.
This page was last updated on: 6/29/2006
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TO LYNNIE
A sister's love's a special one
It carries through the years
Sharing secrets, hopes and joys
Sadness and many tears
Growing stronger day by day
A bond-- will never break
Forgiving you, no matter what
Even mistakes you make.
A special note, a special hug
A closeness no others share
Because sisters are very special--
One of GOD's chosen pairs
So, a toast to you, my sister
I love you, that you know
I'm glad to have you by my side
As the years come and go.
       Iris Sauber, Copyright 2000
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              THE INNER PATH

The blue-print of your destiny lies within your Soul
waiting to be discovered.
To know your path...
To follow this Pathway will lead you
to the happiness you long to follow
Others will express parts of your truth

Others can suggest and even guide you
thru the maze of pathways
Ultimately, it is you who must choose
Never move in haste
when you find yourself at a cross-path
Walk Slowly
Listen with All of You
Sit for a while in the stillness of wisdom
that speaks without words.
Do not act from reason
nor allow your emotions to push
but find the inner source within
that knows itself to be all things.

Then you will know the Pathway
you follow will lead to
your chosen destiny.
Follow your Inner Path
and may you walk in beauty.



The Awakening

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH!  Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.   And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new prospective. This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you.  So, you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime.  And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:

­how you should look and how much you should weigh
­what you should wear and where you should shop
­where you should live or what type of car your should drive
­who  you should sleep with and how you should behave
­who you should marry and why you should stay

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in.  And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions.  And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10".... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the perfect image inside your head or agonizing over how you "stack up."   And, you make peace with the woman in the mirror and you learn to give her the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. 

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer"  hungry for your next fix ....a new dress, another pair of  shoes... or  looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by.  And you discover that ... "it is truly in giving that we receive "...  and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving.   And you recognize the importance of "creating" & "contributing" rather than "obtaining" & "accumulating."

And you begin to love and to honor yourself.  And you stop engaging in self-destructive behavior including participating in dysfunctional relationships. And you begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to rest and exercise.

Then you learn about love and relationships...how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving ...and when to walk away.  And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch.  You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through..., and interestingly enough, it's not always about you.   So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to  place  blame for the things that  were  done to  you...or weren't done for  you.   And you learn to acknowledge and redirect the feelings of anger, jealousy and resentment you sometimes feel...least they suffocate your spirit and steal your soul.

You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties and to build bridges instead of walls...and you learn about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture...  At the same time, you eliminate ANY relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. And you stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside.  You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs.   You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake.   Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO.   You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

And, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would have them be and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship.   You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.   You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love and relationships.... and  that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to or live life just to suit your needs, ease your insecurities or meet "your" standards and expectations. And, you learn the difference between wanting and needing and you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.   And, you learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." 

You avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends because you've learned that talking about things doesn't change them.  You learn that wishing for something is different from working to make it happen.   And you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change.  You take a personal inventory of the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through. 

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve.  You stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate. 

And you stop looking for guarantees because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected ...and that whatever happens, you'll learn to handle it.  And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself.   So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.  You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom. 

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates.  And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth.  Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.   And you live with honor and integrity...  because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life.  And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility.  Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you FAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. 

A word about the Power of Prayer:  In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed not for the answers to my prayers or for material things but for my "God" to help me find the strength,, confidence and  courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do. 

Remember this: "You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you."

My "God" has never failed me.


©The Awakening Author Sonny Carroll        1999